Struggling With Maintaining a Healthy Relationship?
Have you been wondering why your relationship has morphed from closeness to dis-connect over time? Have you thought about why it has changed so dramatically over the years? This is not just due to these challenging times of Covid-19. Before we were faced with this pandemic, couples struggled with maintaining healthy relationships.
Recalling the Past: What Happened to My Relationship?
Remember the days when you loved talking about your day– sharing moments of kindness, support, and genuine feelings of love? Remember how you once looked into the eyes of each other like the day you were pronounced man and wife? Remember when you couldn’t wait to jump into bed and enjoy hot, juicy sex with each other—when all your boundaries collapsed, and you felt like there was no separation? Remember when it felt like you could never get enough of each other? You would cuddle, spoon, and stay locked in each other’s arms most of the night. Now your arms seem to be locked more around your laptops. Have you noticed as the years have gone by, the tone of your relationship has shifted from joy and boundless energy to boredom, sorrow and even misery? No longer do you look deeply into the eyes of each other. Some of you may have even forgotten the color of your partner’s eyes. Do you feel like two ships passing in the night, just going through the motions, void of contentment and passion?
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Do you feel judged, criticized, or even stonewalled, where before you felt supported, encouraged, and empowered by one another? Do feelings of once “having your back” feel more like “stabbing in the back” now? Has fault-finding and contempt become the new norm? What are you teaching your children about relationships? Children model their parent’s behavior. It’s not what they say, it’s what they do that matters. Do conversations with real meaning and expression of feelings exist? John Gottman, renowned couple’s therapist, refers this as the “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” which include criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.
Don’t feel alone. This is a common progression that occurs with most couples over time. The question is what can we do about it?
Unresolved Childhood Traumas and Conflicts
Learn why this occurs overtime in our relationships and what you can do to help effect positive change. It’s all in my book. You will come to understand why what was once so wonderful has morphed into anger, frustration, and loss of a secure attachment. Most of these causes are due to unresolved conflicts and traumas that occurred in your childhood. Because they have never been addressed and resolved, they have unconsciously and unwittingly slipped into your adulthood and relationship, polluting the relational space that was once so sacred. As time passed the space feels unsafe and sometimes even dangerous. When you react to the discomfort in your relational space, it becomes dangerous. Then you react to the danger in the space that you have both co-created. This polluted space is the playground of your children. Over time this causes a disconnect. Because we are hard-wired for connection, when we disconnect, we go into crisis. This is the reason for more than 50% of divorces. It doesn’t have to be this way if we know how to fix it.
2020 Summer Must Read Book: I Hate the Man I Love
The answers are in my new book, I HATE THE MAN I LOVE: A Conscious Relationship is Your Key to Success that will be released on e-book June 15. You can pre-order on all formats from your favorite bookstore or Amazon.com. The printed book will be released on October 11, 2020. It is written so the reader can be an observer, a sort of “fly on the wall” as if in the sessions, along with the couple and therapist, learning techniques, rituals and principles to transform the polluted space into a healthy, sacred space, resulting in relational maturity.
Read my book and learn how to reconnect with your partners and raise the level of intimacy that has been lost over the years. Although most women will resonate with its content, it is NOT a male bashing book. Men might even learn something very valuable as well.
Feel free to contact me with questions, comments, and feedback. Stay safe! Stay well, and if possible, stay home!
Joan E Childs, LCSW is a renowned psychotherapist, inspirational speaker and author of I Hate The Man I Love: A Conscious Relationship is Your Key to Success.